


everything's fine!

by enragedbees



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Moceit - Freeform, Panic Attack, Unresolved Angst, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24484840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enragedbees/pseuds/enragedbees
Summary: Patton's not okay, but he'll never let Janus know that.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	everything's fine!

**Author's Note:**

> me at 11:30pm: “maybe I’ll write a little fic, shouldn’t take me more than 45 minutes.”   
> me at 2am, half asleep on my computer: “I hate myself.” 
> 
> please enjoy my rabbit hole of bad decisions, also I have no idea what I’m talking about throughout the whole thing, I’d appreciate it if you could suspend your disbelief for a few minutes, thank you

Patton barely made it into his car before the tears fell.

He slammed the door shut, sealing himself into the warm, unmoving air, away from the dreary clouds and breezes a bit too cold for the season. He swung his backpack off of his shoulder and threw it into the passenger seat and hid his face in his hands and sobbed.

It was too much. Patton had been watching it pile up for weeks, doing everything in his power to tackle it bit by bit. _One step at a time,_ as his husband would have advised him.

He had taken one step, and then another, and then a thousand more steps, all the while watching the finish line being pushed back ten thousand feet. Patton was suffocating, and he couldn’t understand why. He did everything right. He did what he was supposed to do.

But he was so overwhelmed. And even as he sat in his car crying, he kept thinking of all the time he was wasting that could be used to work. The thought did nothing but make him cry harder.

Patton had thought some space would be good. Two months would pass, and then things would be better.

The opportunity he had been waiting for showed up at his doorstep, and Patton had made up his mind before he even brought it up to Janus.

Patton would leave for eight weeks. They had been apart for longer periods in the past, Janus reminded him when Patton doubted himself. For eight weeks, he would leave his home and his husband and his daughter, and he’d come back and everything would be better.

He would get promoted. They wouldn’t have to worry about money so much anymore.

And Patton would have the space he needed.

The space he _thought_ he needed.

But sitting in his car, three thousand miles from home, feeling more alone than he had ever felt in his life, Patton couldn’t remember why he thought it was a good idea. Every problem, every fight, every miserable evening spent on opposite sides of the bed seemed so insignificant now.

So Patton didn’t think his life would turn out to be this way. Who did? No child, no _teenager_ knew what it would be like to be an adult. Patton couldn’t be happy _all_ the time.

But he still had a good life. He had a husband and a baby he loved more than anything else in the world. Why would he want to give that up, even for only two months? Patton couldn’t even remember why he had been so miserable before leaving.

And it wasn’t like Janus hadn’t made sacrifices to get them where they were. Without Patton, he could have had an incredible and successful life. They had given up a lot to be together. Janus didn’t deserve Patton’s misery; not when he had given Patton the world at the expense of his own future.

Patton thought he needed space.

But now he’d give anything in the world to be back home, in his husband’s arms, on the couch in their tiny one-bedroom, watching one of the movies they owned and had seen a million times, the baby asleep in her cradle in the bedroom. He wanted the simplicity, the mundanity, the boredom of the life he had wanted to escape.

Patton didn’t want to be alone anymore.

But it was too late now. He could have backed out before. At three weeks in, he was stuck until the course was over.

With everything piling up, Patton didn’t know if he could finish. And if he didn’t finish, he’d have to redo the course. Another eight weeks.

Patton wrapped his arms around himself and cried harder.

His phone rang from inside his backpack, blaring “Vienna.” Janus’ ringtone.

Patton’s gaze snapped toward his bag, but he made no move to retrieve his phone.

He hadn’t been _avoiding_ Janus’s calls. Not really. He just always managed to be too busy to answer when Janus called him.

Patton sniveled and wiped at his eyes. He couldn’t pick up now. Even if Patton could keep himself from bursting into tears into the phone, Janus would be able to hear that he had been crying. Patton didn’t want to worry him, especially when he couldn’t do anything about it. Janus didn’t need the extra stress.

Patton sat and stared at his bag until it stopped ringing. His eyes burned, and his breathing got faster, and all of a sudden he was bawling again.

Patton could barely breathe. It was too much. It was suffocating. It was terrifying.

Patton couldn’t do this. Patton breathed deep and fast and barely recognized that he was hyperventilating. He couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t have done this. He couldn’t go through with it; he just wasn’t capable. He was so stupid to think he could do this, why did he ever do this, everything was fine why did he have to go and mess it up why why why _why_ **_why_** _\--_

His phone buzzed, and finally, Patton reached over and pulled it out of his bag. It was a text from Janus.

_Why haven’t I been able to get a hold of you lately? I want to hear from you. But it’s not because I miss you or anything_. Complete with a winky face.

Patton’s heart hurt. He read the text over and over again. _I miss you._ Things would have been alright, if he had just stayed, if he hadn’t tried to fix something that didn’t need fixing.

Another text came in after a few seconds. _But really, call me please._

Patton turned his phone off and pulled his legs to his chest on the seat. He buried his face in his knees and cried harder.

Things _had_ needed fixing. They probably _did_ need space.

But not like this.

Patton was satisfied with the distance he had gotten from the life he had thought made him so unhappy. He didn’t want to be on the other side of the country from the person he needed most. Patton was ready to go home. And he knew Janus would support him. Janus would help him get home.

They couldn’t afford that.

Patton had to stick it out until the end, and Janus would just end up convincing him to come home, that his mental health was more important than his certification. Usually, Patton would agree, but making sure that his family didn’t starve or become homeless was a higher priority.

Patton still didn’t want to do this anymore.

He took a few moments to cry. Patton knew he had to respond.

He pulled out his phone, opened up the keyboard, stared at the screen. Patton _so badly_ wanted to spill everything, to tell Janus how miserable and overwhelmed he was and how wrong he had been about everything.

Patton’s breathing went faster and heavier, and tears rolled down his cheeks as he tapped the screen.

_Everything’s fine! Can’t talk now, maybe tomorrow, love you :)_

Patton turned off his phone and threw it to the side, aiming for the passenger seat but not caring enough to look at where it landed. He buried his face in his hands and wept.

Janus never answered the text. A few hours passed and Patton saw he had read it, but no reply ever came.

Patton spent most of the evening broken. He didn’t get much done. And he knew that everything he had failed to do would just add to the ever growing pile of frustration and exhaustion that was slowly killing him.

But Patton just couldn’t force himself to care.


End file.
